So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
