i jhust puked up my retainher.
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
