Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Randomize
