Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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