Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
