if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
