I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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