I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize
