I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
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