In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
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