I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
