I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
