Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Randomize
