there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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