the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
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