If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
