I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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