If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
