My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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