he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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