Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
