you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
