I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Randomize
