How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
