so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
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