y did u give ur computer a hand job?
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
