i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
