I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
