She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
