some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
