I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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