I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Randomize
