I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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