C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
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