she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
