Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
