im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
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