The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
