party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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