i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
