I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Randomize
