Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Randomize
