We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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