New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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