my soul wont recognize me after tonight
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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