why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
