if i can run in heels then i can drive
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Randomize
