This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
