Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
