the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
